On account of my transgression, will you welcome this confession?

So stupid how some things never change. You think you'd grow smarter, learn to walk away. But then again perhaps feelings that come back are feelings that never went away in the first place.

It's snowing here. And I can't feel my feet. It would be nice if I lost feeling of my heart. It would make this whole thing easier.

Last night in my dreams, I CRACKED. Like a machete throught a coconut. Except it was through my sanity that the machete hacked through. I dreamt I had enough of everything. And I turned on my family.

The sick thing about the dream was that right as I was about to lose it, it replayed beautiful scenes from my childhood. A scene of me in first person being lifted in the air by my dad. (I think he wouldn't even be able to TRY now) Of us playing by the beach. It was terrible. Plain masochism.

And then I snapped and I just rendered everyone incapable of understanding my exact predicament. I closed myself off from everyone who has ever loved me. I fended off slaps by my mother. Hits from my dad. It was horrible. And at last I just ran off quietly.

It was the most emotional dream I've EVER had in my life. I woke up a mess and lay in bed for an hour recovering from my latest nightmare. Holy crap these dreams have GOT to stop.

Perhaps they stem from heart issues I've yet to deal with. Something I've been struggling with for a while now. And honetly I do feel no one in my family understands. I've always chosen not to share sensitive issues with my family because I'm afraid it may tear us apart. And also because I feel I owe it to them to retain the impression that they've given me a wonderful life. In ways, yes they have. But sometimes my emotional capacity falls short of the standards I'm expected to have.

I can't always be as strong and as happy people make me out to be! And I'm just no good at resolving conflicts. I tend to just shut up and deal with my own emotional battles. I figure its easier to learn to let it go. Sweep it under the rug. Pretend that the elephant in the room is part of the wall.

I do reckon that someday the elephant is gonna grow so huge that there's no more space in that room. And there will be no more space in my heart to plainly let things go.

And then dreams will truly become reality. And I'll bring everyone down as I snap. Like a twig. I want to be a skinny twig not a round coconut.

Why do some people see a need to turn everything into a social event. Cameras, dress codes... Why do some people always make things all about them? All about "How am I gonna have fun?" Or "Who am I going to humiliate just for my amusument?"

Do people no longer value friendships? What about filial piety?

Fun. Yes we're all entitled to it. We need it. But it comes with limits and boundaries. How far is too far?

Are people so narcissistic that cameras are made solely for self-portriats? Or for for the same photos of the same people but with different drinks with stupid smiles plastered on their faces.

What happened to good old memories that don't involve photos of someone passed out over a toilet bowl? Just plain old memories - a seashell, a concert ticket.. I dunno a styrofoam cup.

Why are some people so pretentious? Saying they're not a certain way but everything they do, all the places they go, seem to suggest they're exactly what they said they weren't.

What's wrong with being someone REAL? Where it's not about who you're seen with, which fancy new establishment you've been spotted at, or (even more frivolously) how many freaking photos you have on Facebook?

WHO CARES?
Seriously... Who cares....

I'm using my old LJ account because I'm too lazy to create a new one (what's new?). This is so embarrassing please don't judge me ok. I was 15/16 when I created this LJ! LOL I totally forgot my password. And I just made a lucky guess, it was my mum's cellphone number. WHAT?!?!?! 

Anyway I'm kinda tired because I woke up at 6 this morning to study for today's paper. I thought the paper was at 1 (it was actually at 5) and I ran around frantically looking for my venue. My name wasn't on any of the lists taped to the door of the SRs (Seminar Room)!!!!! I promise you I thought I was gonna shit my pants and I know I don't really care about exams but I just panicked. Seemed natural y'know? 

I came to the realisation that I actually like waking up early in the morning. Like waking up because you want to and not because you're rushing to school or rushing to a meeting. Just waking up and anticipating what's to come in the next few hours. I felt rather level-headed at 7.45am, which is something I completely lack. 

So I met my shepherd (June) before my 5 o'clock paper. She is just amazing. Apologised to her for being so cold and unresponsive the last few days, especially when it came to ministry. It's just that I'm been pushing God so far out of my life these few weeks that I felt ashamed to even go back to Him (especially during finals week.. it's like, how shameless can I get). I've been consciously distancing myself, but at the same time you know so well that it's so wrong. It's not like as a result I've been doing horrible things like stealing or whatever. More like I know so well I need God but yet I'm just like "Ah screw that I've come so far anyway. Might as well continue down this path of self-destruction and shame." Yeah it's exactly like that.

She told me I needed to learn to compartmentalise different parts of my life and place God in the center. And it hit me:

That is why I miss JC so much.

I feel like in JC there was always a structure to life. School, Monday to Fridays. Lifegroup on Thursdays. Church on Saturdays. And Sunday was family/work/play. Time was so tangible. So much easier to manage. Whereas now it's just a hurricane of activities. I feel lost. And the world feels chaotic. 

Well I'm gonna deal with these issues. I feel a breakthrough. 

Mariel I am going to make a private post about the thing I promised to post about. Secret ok. Luv you :*